Sunsets and Genetics

The world is divided up between people who like to watch the sunset and people who don’t. People like you are never happy. You’re anxious, Type A, egocentric perfectionist who can’t sit still and die alone with a million bucks and a thousand regrets. The people who can relax, enjoy the sunset, hold hands at the end of the day… They’re the happy ones. – After The Sunset (2004)

A few years ago, I had to repeat that scene in the above Pierce Brosnan film tens of times just to get the lines right.  At that time, I was determined to be part of the half of humanity who can relax, enjoy the sunset, and hold hands at the end of the day.  I still believed then, that it was a possibility if I try hard enough.

I remembered it again after reading that whether one will be happy – at least in this lifetime – is already predetermined by our genes.  Wow.  So much for attempting to find happiness.  If this is true, then some of us were born to a life of glee and others of gloom?   

Dear Sir Up There, heed my decades old prayer now please.  I so want to have a happy old age and I’d love to watch sunsets.  But I think I’ll need a hand to hold soon … The thought of growing old alone is getting so damn scary everyday…   

The Enigmatic Macabebes

My draft on the blog launching of Pampanga Governor Ed Panlilio last Saturday has been sidetracked by my fascination with the tour given to by the Juan D. Nepomuceno Center for Kapampangan Studies of the Holy Angel University in Pampanga.

Two (2) panels on the “Enigmatic Macabebes” caught my attention. On one side was a refutation of the much-maligned Macabebes – touted as traitors and labeled as “dugong aso” both by Filipinos and at times, even by their fellow Kapampangans. History has been unkind to them, particularly when they remained loyal to the Spaniards even at the height of the Revolution, when they were instrumental in the capture of General Emilio Aguinaldo, and when they fiercely served the Americans (a unit in the US Army – the Philippine Scouts – was formed in their honor).

For A While

If I leave you, it doesn’t mean I love you any less. – “Keep Me In Your Heart” by Warren Zevon (2003).

A good friend lent me his bootleg DVD copy of Boston Legal a couple of months ago. We have drifted apart, though, and I dread finishing off the series. James Spader, who reminds me of Robert Downey Jr.’s tousled-is-hot look, has become a habit.

More than the plots, I love the soundtrack, particularly this one song, Keep Me In Your Heart, played in the episode where Michael J. Fox appeared as a cancer patient. And I am borrowing it for the next days.

It seems this is a season for goodbyes. I wonder who or what else I should bid farewell to. But since my goodbyes have always been unrefined, I will not even attempt to try. I hope, though, that I will find a way to convey my deep gratitude for the chances I did not deserve, my regret for all my indiscretions and my fervent prayer that, as the late Mr. Zevon sung, you shall keep me in your heart for a while, as I shall keep you in mine.

Happy birthday, Jay!

The birthday boy describes himself (from his Facebook account) as: “Generic… work-in-progress… values family and relationships… upholds honesty, humily and sincerity.”

To me, he is a blessing and one of the most genteel men I will ever meet. Happy birthday, kapatid and congratulations again on the Masters!

Shifting Sand

An SMS from a friend:

Sand taught me one thing: You cannot hold too many things, no matter what you do to make them stay and no matter how much they want to stay, the wind will always blow them away.  So learn to let go and choose carefully which you want to stay, because like sand, only those which are in the center of your palm will last.

“God bless the broken road”

Tomorrow will be a good friend’s despedida to mark the advent of his new beginning elsewhere.    

Though our meetings have been too few, he, along with others I’ve been blessed to meet, has negated all misgivings I had with the opposite sex. Despite the wall of doubt that years of watching one’s heart splinter into pieces have built, there still really are good, decent men.  That genuine friendship is possible.  That sometimes, the shelving of some dreams to pursue new ones are, as Rascal Flatts put it, “part of a grander plan that is coming true.”  

May we all find what we are looking for, dear friend, no matter how badly the road lies broken and bent.  Fare thee well, Ovel. 

Lines from Boston Legal

1. Don’t try to get in my head, you won’t like the mess.
2. People in love lose their grip.
3. As you age, you only get more beautiful.
4. I’d take a friend over a wife anytime.

Shortest Fairy Tale

My good friend Akel sent this.  (And no, Darren ading ko, this is so not a bad case of sour grapes. I miss you guys!) :

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl ‘Will you marry me?’

The girl said:’NO!’

And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn’t get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn’t save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin’ lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

Getting Sentimental

Found myself missing Pagudpud and this song kept playing in my head all day:

Never thought I’d fall, but when I hear you call,
I’m getting sentimental over you.
Things you say and do just thrill me through and through,
I’m getting sentimental over you.
I thought I was happy I could live without love,
Now I must admit, love is all I’m thinking of.
Won’t you please be kind, and just make up your mind
That you’ll be sweet and gentle, be gentle with me
`Cause I’m getting sentimental over you.

As sung by Frank Sinatra (Lyrics by Ned Washington and music by George Bassman)

First Borns

I remember writing about the difficult road that first-borns have to face all their lives. The ruthless scrutiny that we must brave often forces us to live a lonely life of either forever pleasing the world or of withdrawing from it.

At an age when I should be past bearing my own first-born, I have lost one of the members of the pioneer batch of the UNP College of Law. I have always considered them my very own first-borns – although many of them are older than I am. Manong Isidro Paredes – headed the region’s NBI, led his class and the student government as its president. Beyond these, he was a devoted family man and husband to Ma’am Brenda. Along with my father, he has set the bar high when it comes to finding that one man we could spend the rest of our lives with.

Rest for the Weary

“Periods of inactivity are necessary – a pen that is always writing ends up losing the awareness of what it is doing.  So let it rest whenever possible, and concern yourself with living … When you return to the business of writing, you will find a happy pen with all its strength intact.” – Paolo Coelho

I cannot wait to write again. In the meantime, moments that mattered the past weeks:

• Rest now, Manong Sid, Class President of UNP College of Law Class 2006.  He was a wonderful father, a loving husband and one of my manongs.
• Happy birthday to Doc Joy and welcome, welcome to her beautiful, adorable baby.
• Welcome back, Ishy dear! We missed you bad.
• Happy, happy birthday to Rev. Rex Vidal, SVD, Engr. Alvin Amano, Dr. Lilia Racsa, Tita Precy Cadorna, Lolo Tinong Sanchez and tomorrow, twenty-three (23) hugs to our bunso, midwife and nurse, Jomari.

Prayers for Wilson Czar

I saw this post from Rev. Willie Jones Ducusin. Please include Wilson Czar in your prayers. Rev. Jones:

Please help us pray for my brother, Wilson Czar. He got into an accident. He had a small fracture on the skull. Thank God, the neurologist Dr. Espinosa assured that it will heal, and so there is no need for surgical intervention. What we pray for is for no infection to occur so that the healing will be fast and complete.

Even in trying times, most especially in these times, we believe that God is truly merciful and powerful.

Please help us pray for my brother’s fast and sure healing.

UNP’s New Lawyers

Congratulations to our new UNP lawyers – Noel Pastor from San Ildefonso, Mylene Reyes from Vigan City and Arlyne Rialubin from San Vicente.

Cheers too for Anna Acena from Vigan, old friends Angela Along and Dashell Yancha, and Alfred Pagayatan, younger brother of a UP Law classmate.

True Norths

I am on a cold bus on a long eight hour trip to Metro Manila, but a comment I just saw on a post I wrote last November is warming me real good – “and friends reappear from nowhere” – from a sorority sister, dear friend, fitness guru, Bar review partner, wonderful mother and wife to Sir Bong, Atty. Cynthia Jacinto-Bongolan.

It is almost a decade ago but I still distinctly recall what she said about joining the Sorority: “Kahit anong mangyari, may kakampi ka sa mundo.” And indeed, such has always been the case.

It was Cynthia who made me recognize that we need to take care of our bodies. I recall that she just gave birth months before Bar review, there was this regimen she stuck with to lose the excess weight she supposedly gained. I never got to really thank her for taking me along her Academic Oval walks and for her constant diet reminders that kept me healthy during the grueling six-month Bar ordeal.

She was coolness personified back in UP and I learned some pointers on how not to take myself too seriously. Her life – and loves – show that living the life you want need not be premised on one man or chained to a particular circumstance.

I have been blessed with friendships that remain steadfast despite time and distance. You can be apart for years or decades and yet, when friends meet again, it is apparent that the years have been unsuccessful in putting a strain on the ties that bound them.

This is one such friendship. Friends – like Cynthia – who “reappear” are life’s true Norths. Thank you, mare. I pray that I will finally get to see you soon.

“Better let somebody love you…”

“… before it’s too late.”

Desperado. There are numerous renditions of this song. The Eagles version remains my favorite, though. Listening to it now as I try to forget my aching back en route to Manila.

Some friends say that the song is fast becoming the story of my life. For this year – the year most of my friends turn 32 – many believe that it is prudent to remind me that biology is gaining speed and might overtake soon. The consensus, it seems, is that I should no longer tarry.

Yet, I have never subscribed to the idea that love has to meet biological deadlines. I also disagree that love needed to conform to conventions. I refuse to settle into the sad cadence of relationships created for the wrong reasons.

To me, love still means waiting, even without certainty. Love still is loving – just loving – even after it already hurts. Love just is.

There is more to life than marriage, right? In the meantime, while He is still at a loss whether we are worthy of the sacrament, let us not allow Desperado’s promptings to drive us to desperation.

Status: Single!

From Ate Jo Barahan (Thanks te. Be strong, our prayers will be with you.):

Status: SINGLE! 21 Reasons to enjoy the state you’re in

By: Ginger E. McFarland

Okay, gals, let’s face it. Some days living alone just plain stinks. When you’re single, there’s no one to take care of you when you’re ill, no one to cuddle with on a stormy evening, no one to kiss good-night (besides your teddy bear and maybe your dog, but they don’t count). Those are the times when I wonder if my Creator’s forgotten about my deep-felt desires—you know, the ones he created in me. But God reminds me through Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 that there’s a time and a season for everything. The Bible also encourages me to give thanks in all circumstances because this pleases God (1 Thessalonians 5:18). So here are 21 reasons we singles can be grateful for this season of singleness!

Of Partings and New Years

Thank you again to Prof. Ted Te for sharing this to us. Very timely as we struggle to find words to say farewell to the old year and well, other goodbyes we stubbornly refuse to make (again in boldface are words we would have highlighted on paper):
Saying Goodbye
James F. Donelan, S.J.

Goodbyes have always been an inspiration to poets, and what has caught their poetic fancy most is the contradictory nature of the experience. Emily Dickinson says partings are all we know of Heaven, and all we need of Hell. Shakespeare’s Romeo puts it simpler: Partings, he says, are such sweet sorrows. We smile through our tears and cry through our laughter.

But goodbyes are more than sentimental moments. They are one of nature’s sacraments–sacraments in that they involve a mystery, an insight into the heart of things. there is a mystery involved in going away, in that simple experience of saying goodbye that touches each one of us, sometimes lightly, sometimes heavily.

Was it a Merry Little Christmas?

I was wailing about spending Christmas Day without a significant other when a friend sent a text message that He Whose Birth We Remember was born to die alone. That shook off the whatever blues clouded my Christmas Day.

We are never truly “loveless.” It’s a shame that as we grow older, we tend to delimit love to just the romantic kind. We take for granted the truly unconditional loves – our parents whose happiness seem to lay solely in our happiness, our siblings who sometimes forego their dreams just so we could pursue our own, our little cousins who think the world of us no matter how messed up our lives could be – these loves never leave us for another, they would never break our hearts, these are the loves that are really for keeps. And His love that just never gives up on us, even after we have long given up.

Hope we all had our own Merry Little Christmases. This is also a chance for this weblogger to say thank you for being on this journey. What a ride it has been!

Convention of those wounded in love

From Paolo Coelho’s recent Warrior of the Light issue:

General provisions:

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

JENESYS Forms

To young friends who have signified interest in the JENESYS Program, here are the forms you’ll need:

jenesys-application-form-1.doc

voluntirapplixform.doc

For other details, please fell free to drop a line. Commissioner Benjie Oliva of the National Youth Commission (NYC) said the deadline is on December 31, 2007. Good luck, adings.

JAPAN – EAST ASIA NETWORK OF EXCHANGE FOR STUDENTS AND YOUTHS (JENESYS) PROGRAM

From an email of NYC Commissioner Benjie Oliva:

Greetings!

The National Youth Commission, by virtue of Republic Act 8044 The Youth in Nation Building Act, is the sole policy making coordinating body of all youth related institutions, programs, projects, and activities of the government. We are also tasked to administer youth exchanges and all foreign sponsored youth programs.

In line with this, we are pleased to inform you that the application for the Japan East Asia Network of Exchange for Students and Youths (JENESYS) Program is now open.

Really starting ‘em young

We all have heard of vote-buying in varying degrees, but during the last Barangay and Sangguniang Kabataan elections, it was the first time (and hopefully, the last) that I have heard of a losing candidate who went after the people who didn’t vote for him for a refund of sorts.

To be fair, it wasn’t the candidate, it was her mother who went to the houses of the children. Wow. Talk about setting decent examples for our children to emulate.

If the sorry state of Philippine politics persists even after our generation, we only have ourselves to blame. We really started them young.

Anthem for the Moment

I love this Sergio Mendes song. It speaks of a curse I could not simply shake off. I am guilty, as charged:

Was it something in the rain
Or a chance of love again
That made me explain
The secrets of my soul
I guess I only needed
Someone to hold

But I was gone without a trace
And the rain blew away

CHORUS:
And it seems I’ve spent my whole life
Waiting for love
And when it comes
I always run away

Was it something on a dream
That touched my memory
Or a picture I didn’t know I’ve seen
That made me stop and stare
And then I lost him
If he was ever there

(Cause/And)I’m afraid of being close
Where I need to be the most

(repeat chorus till fade)

Fly Away

I just learned that a good friend already flew away without saying goodbye. This one’s for you, kabsat:

“When will you be home?” she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She’s watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I’ll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we’ll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
“We need you. Please come back”
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I’ll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we’ll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh…
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

This was sung by Corrine May and I have to thank my brother for finding this for me. I fell in love with it as soon as I heard it. Try listening to it and more of Corrine May’s music here.

Aganannad ka, apo. No goodbyes. See you around the bend.

Starting them young

Pausing for a few reminders to SK voters:

1. Go out and vote tomorrow.
2. If they give you money, accept.  I am certain it came from public coffers anyway.
3. Listen to your conscience and listen well.
4. Think of your children and your children’s children.  You owe them.

“You won’t look at me…”

My anthem for the moment:

Look out the window at that rainstorm!
I’ve let the wind blow up a brainstorm.
And now I’m wond’ring whether weather like this gets you, too.

It may go on like this for hours.
Too late in fall for April showers.
So while we’re caught here,
Got a thought or two I need to share with you.

Here goes…

Darling, tell me now,
Have I done wrong somehow
That you won’t look at me.
Needn’t point it out, Can’t keep my wits about
When you won’t look at me.

Is there something I oughta know
You’re finding hard to say?
Well, there’s just a trace hiding on your face,
And I’ve learned it that way…

Just one other soul that really knows my soul,
And you won’t look at me.
Don’t that take the prize, how much I love those eyes,
And they won’t look at me…

Now the rain is gone, but something lingers on..
A Certain Sadness here now that the sky is clear.
And it’s also clear,
Yes, it’s all so clear to me now.

And I can’t help but fear
That Certain Sadness, here to stay.

-A Certain Sadness, as sung by Astrud Gilberto

Disturbing

I was about to sleep when I checked the Philippine Daily Inquirer and came across several disturbing breaking news.  I am listing the headlines with their dates of posting: 

1.  Quake hits Papua New Guinea / 11:58pm (Mla time) 10/09/2007
2. 5.4 magnitude quake hits Laoag / 04:51pm (Mla time) 10/09/2007
3. Moderate quake hits northern Japan / 08:00am (Mla time) 10/09/2007
4. Magnitude 6.0 quake strikes near Mariana Islands in Pacific / 10:41pm (Mla time) 10/06/2007
5. Magnitude-3.9 quake rocks 2 Ilocos Norte areas / 01:51pm (Mla time) 10/05/2007
6. Magnitude 6 quake hits Banda Aceh / 10:20pm (Mla time) 10/04/2007
7. Quake rocks New Zealand / 09:04am (Mla time) 10/04/2007
8. Strong earthquake rattles western Indonesia / 12:22pm (Mla time) 10/02/2007
9. Moderate quake jolts Tokyo region / 07:32am (Mla time) 10/01/2007

These are from the news archives just for the present month.  Personally, these are more relevant that what the powers-that-be in the Palace by the Pasig River are doing.  Please, let us pray.  We are far too weak to withstand another Banda Aceh. 

Sea of bitterness

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

– Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

I was christened Maria Elena. “Elena”, as most baby-naming books and sites would tell us, means “light” or bearer of light. “Maria” is an altogether different story.

I was expecting references to any of the virtues that the numerous Marias/Marys/Maries (and all other derivatives) were known for. Alas, I was surprised to discover that in Hebrew, Maria means bitter. In Italian, it would stand for sorrow. To cap it all, in Greek, Maria is a “sea of bitterness.”

Dear God, will my name define me and determine my chance at happiness? Is being adrift in a “sea of bitterness,” my destiny? [Incidentally, my cousin Paul is still blaming his name - not his genes - for not being tall as he would've wanted to be. Paul, according to Dr. Joy's baby book, means "small."]

In a little research that I am playing around with – women’s role in the scriptures of major religions – I found this site that dealt with Judaism. This is an insightful excerpt:

“The first theory of history is that human destiny is controlled by iron fate. We are born with a certain character, follow its dictates throughout our lives, and die without fundamentally changing our nature or, by extension, our effect on others.”

It discussed how “the theory of free history and the theory of unyielding destiny” are actually juxtaposed in the Holy Bible. [More on this soon.]

In Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare beautifully articulated that a name is merely a contrived convention and does not in any way define a person. I pray that it indeed is so. Then perhaps destiny as gleaned from my name wouldn’t be as unyielding as it threatens to be.

*Sigh… So difficult to write when my mind’s elsewhere.

“And I won’t be there…”

There are so many things that I know I should write about but there’s a certain sadness that I simply could not shake off. Like a hovering dark cloud that just would not go away, it has taunted me for several days already.   This is my “rain, rain go away” song.  Perhaps, if I sing it as often as I can I might really live its lines one of these days.

Again in boldface are personal favorites:

One of these days
One of these very ordinary days
You’ll gonna call my name
And I won’t be there
After the days
After these very very many days
You’re gonna see the light
And I won’t be there

And on that day
Somehow I’ll find the strength to stay away
I won’t give in
I will not let myself be taken in, again
Oh no my friend

One of these days
Out of the blue you’ll start remembering
And I won’t care
‘Cause I won’t be there

Oh, and on that day
I swear I’ll find the strength somehow to stay away
I won’t give in
I will not let myself be taken in, again
Oh no my friend

That’s what I say
That’s what I tell myself… I won’t give in
So try it someday
And you’ll see that I won’t be there
No, you know, no, I won’t

These days–
I — won’t be there
No, no, no I won’t be there…

Words I wish were mine

I wanted to write a good piece for my Bar babies. Three days have gone and I still am at a loss for words.